||[02 Mar 2005|09:33pm]
i was just thinking about my life, and everything that has happened to me in the past 4 or so years. my parents got divorced when i was in 5th grade, and i tell everyone that it`s better that way. because now they at least get along most of the time. but somehow or other, i always find myself thinking 'what would have happened if the divorce never happened and everyone was happy?' i wonder how my life would be different. if it would be good or bad. if i would be the same person. and sometimes, i wonder if it`s worth it. all the fights with stap-parents & mistakes made, i wonder if maybe things would have been better like they were. i don`t know. i still find myself crying over it sometimes. and missing they way things were when i was 5. i miss my parents being happy & doing the whole 'lets go to the park thing'. i miss how happy i was until they were fighting. i miss the way they would argue about stupid things like nintendo. and honestly, i miss being the only child. sometimes, i just want things to be like they used to be when they were together and i was always happy. *sigh*
i think about the past alot lately. like the vacations i used to take to virginia every year to see aunt candi, and then i think about now. and i know that she probably won`t talk to us again for a long time and it hurts so bad. she`s the only person on my mom`s side of the family that i ever really knew and to know that she basically doesn`t care, kills me. i miss her more than anyone knows. i don`t talk about it alot, because it makes my mom cry. it makes me want to cry to. i miss her. i think i might try to track her down & call her one day. 600 long distance minutes = alot of talking if i can find her...
i miss when life was simple. when my parents were happily married. when all aunt candi wanted to do was hang out with 'her favorite niece.' i miss not having to stress about everything.
but trust me, i love you so much.
brandon, jamie, jenna, you guys get the through.